Emotional Overtones to Financial Questions

One of the first problems people are faced with in a dissolution of a marriage is the adequacy of money. There is, of course, the real need of money to provide funds to eat, to live, to secure decent housing and medical care, for recreation, for dress; in short, to function in this world. Our office will attempt to help you present your case to the Court in regard to this matter.

Many professionals feel that there is often a different need for money that people fight over in a dissolution of marriage action. Some people use money as a means for covering their own feelings of inadequacy, vulnerability, loss, or anger. The greater these feelings, the greater the "need" for money.

Be sure when you are talking about your financial needs in this case to know whether you are talking about your feelings or your actual financial needs. It is well to remember that in the area of money, as well as in the area of any other values, everybody has somewhat different feelings and standards and assumes that their standards and feelings are right.

Also included in these thoughts of rejection are those of a known, even though sometimes untenable situation, for the insecurity of the uncertain and unknown future. This includes the loss of companionship and of having failed in a relationship. This failure in a relationship often results in a feeling of reduced self-esteem. These feelings take place at a time when a person feels most alone and more vulnerable, the very time when it is most important for their self-esteem to be at its highest. Sometimes during a divorce proceeding there is a feeling of having disappointed one's parents for not having been a success in marriage. These feelings are normal and will usually pass with time. You should not be overwhelmed by these feelings.

A Dissolution of Marriage means that an important time has been lost from a person's life. You may have invested years in a relationship that has not worked out successfully. You may resent the loss of time that you have expended in this relationship. You may feel that had you made a wiser decision, or a different decision, these years would not have been wasted in an unhappy and unsuccessful relationship. The resentment that you may feel at all of these losses will appear in the form of anger towards your ex-spouse.

We will attempt to help you through this period of time through our actions and assistance before the Court and in our office. If necessary, we will also help you find a competent mental health professional to assist you through this transition period.

There is sometimes a feeling of relief at getting out of an unhappy marriage. If this is your first dissolution following an early-age marriage, sometimes there is a feeling of an opportunity to explore relationships with others. You may feel that this time presents you with an opportunity to have the experiences that, as a young person, you should have had. There may be a potential feeling of freedom that accompanies the feeling of fear of loneliness.

You should keep in mind that a dissolution is a traumatic event, second only to the death of a close one in its psychological consequences and complexities. Therefore, if you have suffered any of these traumas in the past, you can look back and use the way in which you handled those problems as a guide as you can handle the problems you are now going through in this dissolution of your marriage. You should also consider looking towards your friends, relatives and other people who are geographically available to you at this time of need. These people can be of great support to you in helping you cope with the dissolution of your marriage.

In addition, there is a basis for new hope in a new, different and better life in the future. Statistics show that 54 percent of all marriages last a lifetime among the 96 percent of the population who get married. Among the 46 percent who dissolve their marriages, about 90 percent remarry. Most of these marriages take place within three years after the initial dissolution. About half of them are permanent. Hence, about 75 percent of all marriages in the United States are permanent within about 4 years from the date of either the first marriage or the date of the first dissolution. In addition, third and fourth marriages are often successful.

It must be pointed out, however, that if you have already had two marriages, both of which resulted in failure, then there may be some problems that you are suffering from in the nature of inter-personal relationships that should be taken care of prior to entering into a new marriage. I would suggest that if you have two or more divorces that you would consult a competent psychologist or psychiatrist to help you handle these inter-personal relationships in a better way so that you can find the right person in your future.